24 Jan

found on

He was on the plane on his way home, turning back from a business trip and thinking about his future days. He lost his wife few weeks ago. Now living alone, trying to figure out what was next.

“What have you got for me, God?” he asked every day. Every morning he woke up and went to work. He was meeting the same people, eating the same food, doing the same things. You could see the sorrow on his face.

“What is it, God?  What’s left? So this is how it is going to be now? This is how it all ends? Why did she have to die? Why did she leave me alone here? Why do I have to live in this misery? ”

Every day he was praying the same prayer. In his prayers he just wished that his pain would go away. That he would start to live normal life again. He was getting angry for these selfish thoughts. She didn’t choose to die. She just did, because she couldn’t fight with it anymore.

Colon cancer. How do you fight with that? You fight with all you have got, but maybe it is not enough. Maybe all you have got is not what will save you. How do you cope with that? You fight even more. And so she fought like a lion. She didn’t admit that she was going to die. She used every possible cell in her body to persuade herself that she would survive this. That she would not leave her husband here alone. But the cancer was stronger.

He always spends the time on the plane by thinking and analyzing if there was anything more he could do to save her. Maybe they could try another treatment or maybe they could visit some other specialist. Alternative treatment could have been an option, unless it would have been just a waste of time. Time was the important factor. She didn’t have much time and so they tried every option and every treatment possible in such a short time she had had left.

She was the light of his life throughout their whole marriage. They were always known as the happy couple in their neighborhood. Everybody wanted to be like them. Great big house, great car, no money problems…but not everything was as it seamed.

Although she was the perfect wife, as you can call it, the truth was he didn’t seem to care. The only thing he cared about was whether the dinner was ready, whether his clothes were clean and ironed or whether they looked as the perfect couple in public eyes. She hoped he would change eventually. But the change never came. Until she became ill.

When doctors told them there is no chance that she would survive another year, it was as if her husband woke up from a very long dream. He realized that he was going to loose everything and there was no way back. And so he started to behave as the best husband ever. He was buying flowers for her, taking her to trips on which they would spend their second honeymoon. He spent all his time with his wife, trying to fix those years when she was as a ghost for him. When she became a real ghost of herself, she could not even speak anymore, she lost all her hair, he fell to the biggest depression. He blamed himself for her sickness.

He fell asleep during the flight. And this little moment when he felt sleepy and finally let himself to take a rest from his painful thoughts, saved him. This little moment gave him hope that everything will be fine again. During this moment he had a dream. His wife came to him in this dream and she was holding flowers in her hands. He never saw her this beautiful. She came with a smile on her face, gave him the flowers and told him that everything is fine now and there is no reason for him to keep this anger or sadness anymore. She gave him a message that she is fine. When he woke up, he felt unreal. After all that time of sorrow, he felt that everything really would be O.K.

He landed safely, went home and since that day, he started to forgive himself for the hard time he gave his beloved wife when she was alive and healthy.

One Response to “Forgiveness”

  1. Chanel Bailey January 24, 2016 at 9:27 pm #

    Forgiveness; a powerful and essential ingredient for a well rounded life. Powerful!

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